


easier to leave (than being left all alone)

by TechnicalTragedy



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Death, Grief/Mourning, Regret
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-29
Updated: 2016-08-29
Packaged: 2018-08-11 16:48:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 965
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7900405
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TechnicalTragedy/pseuds/TechnicalTragedy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He was supposed to go first.</p>
<p>(Percy remembers and regrets.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	easier to leave (than being left all alone)

**Author's Note:**

> idk i keep writing about sad percy i cant help myself
> 
> title from [Kick & Curse](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ApVpT7lyqAo) by Team Me

“I am far too busy for death,” Tiberius says. “Perhaps when I have finished all that I hope to, death can come for me. But for now it must wait.”

(Percy is the one that sees him, the one that requests he be taken down, the one who suggests the library as his resting place. Percy goes to his workshop and finds himself unable to think of anything but his lost friend. They had been family, and though remembering is painful, Percy knows from experience that it can be helpful in the grieving process.

He was supposed to go first.)

 

\- - -

 

“No death is taken without consequence,” Vax says. “There is never not a repercussion. There is always someone left behind who remembers and regrets.”

(Percy is looking down his sights when he remembers this, has gone into an almost trance-like state where there is only his target and the gun in his hands. Vax's voice comes to him on the wind, it seems. His throat closes up and he leans back, sets the gun down and takes a moment to remember, to regret. He takes the raven brooch and wears it himself.

He was supposed to go first.)

 

\- - -

 

“Death is a natural part of life,” Keyleth says, “but that doesn't mean we need to take lives without cause. We need to try to be good and do right by the people we are sworn to protect.”

(Percy remembers how flowers grew wherever she stepped, how trees trailed their leaves over her, how the animals flocked to her, the earth bent for her, the water parted, the fire died, the wind rose. He cups his hands around a white rose, the first bloom of the season, and though he aches to clip it, to take this flower and think of Keyleth, he believes it'd feel too much like blood on his hands.

He was supposed to go first.)

 

\- - -

 

“I'm not afraid of death,” Vex says. “I've died before, you know. It doesn't really feel like anything, so if death isn't pain what is there to worry about? It's just going to sleep.”

(Percy is there when she goes to sleep and he doesn't cry. She isn't afraid in her last moments. A bird flies overhead and he feels hot tears spring to his eyes and blinks them back. He takes her broom and stashes it in his room at Whitestone. One night he takes it for a ride out over the castle grounds and wonders if this sweeping freedom was what had drawn her to the sky in the first place.

He was supposed to go first.)

 

\- - -

 

“Death is death,” Grog says. “I didn't die to Kevdak, so I'll be happy with whatever death I get. Hopefully it'll be in an awesome battle with a dragon, or something.”

(Percy thinks to Craven Edge, the series of decisions that Percy made that led to Grog's death. No one is entirely sure how long goliaths are supposed to live, not when they so frequently die in battle, but Grog had seemed to be ageless, invincible. Percy sees a goliath in a crowd and he starts to smile before he remembers.

He was supposed to go first.)

 

\- - -

 

“When I die, I'll return to Sarenrae,” Pike says. “I'll be at Her side, and I think it'll be like coming home. Of course, I hope that doesn't happen for a long time.”

(Percy holds her hand as she dies. Her warmth lingers, even after she's gone. Percy takes one of her symbols of Sarenrae and keeps it around his neck. Sometimes, when he feels at his lowest, when he misses his family the most, he could swear the symbol pulses with warmth, like Pike is comforting him from her place at Sarenrae's side.

He was supposed to go first.)

 

\- - -

 

“If I die, Kaylie will never forgive me,” Scanlan says. “She'll bring me back to kill me again if I die. Let's make sure it doesn't come to that, yeah?”

(Percy sees Kaylie in Whitestone, years later, looking much the same as she had all those decades ago. He invites her into the castle and tells her stories of her father and his bravery and selflessness, and also about how he could be a real asshole. It feels good to have someone else who remembers, someone who isn't Gilmore or Allura or Kima. It feels good to remember, and to regret.

He was supposed to go first.)

 

\- - -

 

“I'm going to die,” Cassandra says. “We all are, someday. I'm infinitely grateful that you've given me the chance to redeem myself, and to leave this world on my own terms.”

(Percy isn't quite the last remaining de Rolo, not with Oliver Frederick, Julius Ludwig, Vesper Johanna, and Whitney Cassandra running around, but it feels like an ending to a book that began long ago. He of course attends the funeral proceedings, and gives a eulogy to his only remaining sister. Afterward, he goes into the garden that Keyleth and Cassandra had grown together and lets himself remember.

He was supposed to go first.)

 

\- - -

 

“When I die, I'll see my family again,” Percy says. “I'm far too old. I've lived for far too long. Living has always been my greatest regret, but I believe I can find peace at the end.”

(Percy feels himself getting slower, can feel that familiar shadow hissing in the back of his mind. His only hope is that he ends up wherever his family has gone. He's buried in the family crypt with the belongings he'd borrowed from his family. Bad News is laid across his chest, and Retort lies dormant on his hip. Whitestone gathers to remember the last of their saviors.

He was supposed to go first, but he's greeted by his smiling family on the other side.)

**Author's Note:**

> come contemplate mortality w me on tumblr [@aramente](http://aramente.%20tumblr.com)


End file.
